Climate Change’s Perfect Match
Stevenson Ranch, CA
2022, Junior, Creative Writing
Date 1:
“Um… so this whole ‘I help you, and I get famous,’—how does it truly work?”
“Wait, what?”
“You know… I have to date you for a few weeks and publicize it for a bit. Maybe we can do a few scenes of me trying to detoxify you or something.”
“No, no. I’m just confused; are you only using me for free publicity, or do you really care about me?”
“I do care for you, but no one can predict the future. Right now, people are worried about climate change, and a relationship with you is good for my career! I mean, just think of the headlines: ‘Pretty Influencer Decides to Help with Climate Change’.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I walked out of that date 20 minutes in.
Date 2:
“Hi, how are you?”
“I’m doing great now that you’re here! Say, Climate Change, what happens every time you get to the ocean?”
“Well, usually the ocean tends to warm a lot since it traps in the CO2 that trails with me. Then the whole series begins: the algae die out from my heat, the coral reefs can’t get enough resources and become brittle, and then animals lose their main food sources.”
“Mm, yeah, for sure,” he snorted.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh, my bad. I just can’t believe people actually believe this story. I mean, you? Destroying the Earth? That’s just ridiculous!”
“What’s so unbelievable? I’m destroying the Earth at rapid speeds since people like to burn fossil fuels and release heat-trapping gases. There’s a lot of research done about me, but you still don’t believe I exist?
“Yup. I don’t believe in you, not one bit. We’ve always been burning fossil fuels, so why is everyone getting all worked up about it now?”
“You’re a lost cause.”
Give it a decade or two, and we’ll see if he believes that I exist or not.
Date 3:
“Hello, how are you doing?”
“Doing way better than you! Oh, don’t take it to heart, Climate Change! I’m just stating the obvious. I can go to the ocean without killing species, I can stand next to people without giving them heatstroke, and my existence is welcomed by all people! I also have amazing, bright skin! I think yours needs a little work done, to be completely honest.”
“Yeah, so anyway, what should we order from here? I heard their pasta is deli-”
“People always say they like me more than you, did you know that? I mean, who could blame them? I don’t make droughts and heat waves a daily occurrence, I don’t deplete our water supplies, I don’t harm agricultural yields, and I don’t lead to wildfires! I’m just perfect all around, don’t you think?”
“OK, goodbye. I’ll take my leave now.”
“No! Wait! I’ll leave. Just to make sure though, I was the one who walked out on our date, not the other way around. You got that?”
I slumped into my seat as she strutted away.
Date 4:
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“I’m doing well. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“So… what made you approach me? I mean, usually people like to avoid me since they know that I’m capable of ending the world.”
“I just thought I would be a great match for you.”
“Great match? How so?”
“I just know that I can help you. I’ve been interested in you for a while, and I feel like we could bring out the best in each other. For one, I’ve got great ideas like using wind and solar energy to prevent greenhouse gasses from releasing further. In return, I’ll receive a few more decades of being able to take lovely strolls on the beach with you.”
“That sounds great, but what about the pre-existing carbon dioxide in the air?”
“Well, lucky for you, I have an excellent green thumb! I’ve always been talented in growing healthy plants that help to clean out carbon dioxide!”
“That’ll definitely help me a lot! Are you busy tomorrow? I’d really like to take you on a second date!”
“I actually have a beach clean-up event tomorrow. Wanna join me?”
“Sure, I’ll see you then!”
I have a really good feeling about this relationship…
Reflection
After watching Stephen Colbert’s video, “Get A Hot Date with Al Gore's Climate Change Pick-up Lines,” I was able to create my idea: personify climate change and make “him” go on both great and unconventional dates. Climate Change’s first two dates show different personalities that may be seen during the fight against this climate emergency: a media star who only posts about combating climate change for their own image, and a person who doesn't believe that climate change exists. Climate Change doesn't have much luck finding a partner; however, things take a turn as he goes on his fourth date. The person he meets promises to provide all the right things he needs, along with romance. They are truly Climate Change's perfect match.