Everybody Wants to Ruin the World
Chandler, AZ
2022, Senior, Creative Writing
♫ Acting on your best behavior ♫
♫ Turn your back on Mother Nature ♫
♫ Everybody wants to ruin the world… ♫
[Announcer] Welcome back to our season finale of Everybody Wants to Ruin the World: Ocean Edition! 30 Destroyers entered. Three Destroyers remain. Who will prevail? Let’s find out!
CHAO: It’s your host, Crock Chao, joined by a special guest: the incredible commentator and indestructible wrestler, Tardy G. Welcome, welcome!
TARDY G: It’s great to see you here. Looking excellent, as always.
CHAO: Thank you, G. The competitors look excellent as well. For our new viewers at home who are just tuning in, let me remind everyone of the rules of the game. The contestant has only one objective: to wreak as much havoc as possible on the climate of the earth and the wellbeing of its inhabitants. This point system is measured using several metrics, including climate conditions, human awareness and response, and survivability of other organisms.
TARDY G: The contestants are not limited to their starting forms nor methods of travel. In fact, variety is encouraged and rewarded. However, points will only be awarded for attacks done through the water.
CHAO: The game ends when the contestant collects 100 points. The contestant who reaches this score in the shortest amount of time wins the competition! Are you ready to witness the destruction of the planet and its inhabitants?
TARDY G: Of course. I’ve seen it all, and I can’t wait. (Laughing) Let the games begin!
CHAO: Our first contestant steps into the map. Meet Simon Sewage: waste collector by day, Destroyer by dusk. Don’t let his unassuming nature fool you, G—he’s tired of being neglected, and tonight he’s going to prove his power to the world.
TARDY G: Taking his time as he selects his form. Where do you think he’s going to drop first? I’ll bet it’s the Yangtze. China’s got a huge coastal sewage problem.
CHAO: Maybe—no! Drops in South America instead. Sneak around, mess with their infrastructure—that’s quite an interesting tactic. G, what do you think?
TARDY G: I agree. Looks like the pipes lead to both rivers and oceans. (Pointing) Look, Simon’s first attack: a small algal bloom. Seems to be testing the waters.
CHAO: An algal bloom! He’s messing with the nitrogen cycle. It’s brilliant! He’s going back into the sewers, probably tampering with the structural integrity.
TARDY G: Coordinated algal blooms in the ocean would certainly bring in points, but the main issue right now is Simon’s time—he’s spending too long!
CHAO: Right! Look at him, taking his time in the United States, China, India. Populated countries with the highest potential fallout. The humans won’t be able to stop it.
TARDY G: Let’s hope it pays off. Look, he’s done. Standing back. What’s he waiting for?
CHAO: Over there! Back to North America. The blooms are starting. And—the beaches! People are falling sick! Sunny day floods drowning coastal cities. The ground’s moving, flooding from underneath. Septic systems collapsing without notice…
TARDY G: (Pointing) He’s killed the fish as well! They’re suffocating. Their oxygen’s depleted, forming dead zones. The plants aren’t getting enough light, either. Fisheries destroyed; food chains shattered. What a combo!
CHAO: Wow! A swift end to a slow build. That’s 100 points, would you look at that! (Laughing) I certainly underestimated him.
TARDY G: Final time: 2075. Pretty good, but is it good enough to stand? Let’s find out.
CHAO: Our second contestant: returning champion from our previous season, Everybody Wants to Ruin the World: Atmosphere Edition, please welcome Carson Dioxide! He’s already proven how destructive he can be in the air, G, but he’s not finished.
TARDY G: No, Chao, he’s looking to add a second title to his impressive list of awards. Let’s see where he will drop. What form do you think he’s going to take?
CHAO: Last season, he dominated the airspace and attacked the ozone layer, but he’s got to be more creative this time. Oh, look—starts off as the quiet methane molecule, great choice. Points for human unawareness.
TARDY G: Yeah, Chao, they seemed to be focused on his other form, carbon dioxide. Meanwhile, methane has 80 times the immediate warming power of carbon dioxide and accounts for a quarter of today’s warming.
CHAO: He’s spending attacks on accumulating atmospheric gas. Good buildup.
TARDY G: He won’t get points for that, but it might help him achieve a phenomenal sequence in the water later. (Pointing) There, he’s converted into carbon dioxide. Only a matter of time before the humans recognize him and organize a defense.
CHAO: Into the water, beautiful dive! The ocean absorbs 50 percent of fossil fuel carbon emissions, but I know it’s going to regret taking Carson in tonight. (Laughing)
TARDY G: He reacts silently with the water to form carbonic acid. What’s happening—oh! The acid’s dissociating! Ocean acidification on a massive scale!
CHAO: Carbonate ions rush to balance the pH, leaving little for the organisms who need to use it. Over there! Bleached coral and ruined shellfish litter the coastlines.
TARDY G: Ocean temperatures are rising as well. Positive feedback loop—carbon dioxide is less soluble at high temperatures, meaning the ocean can’t absorb as much from the air. Humans are aware of it now, but it’s too late. Genius!
CHAO: Genius, indeed. Final time: 2050, taking the lead over Sewage and securing first.
TARDY G: Can our final contestant keep up? Here she comes! Phoebe Plastic takes the stage. With an impressive array of forms, disguises, and attacks, she’s been dominating the competition since her arrival. Will she be able to keep her lead?
CHAO: …And she’s off! Takes the form of a single-use Styrofoam cup. (Pointing) Headed towards the United States—a bold play, though with her game plan, she’s been ignoring human awareness for speed and precision.
TARDY G: She’s basically telling them, “Try and stop me!” (Laughing) Drops in a leaky landfill and rides the leachate—she’s done her research, Chao.
CHAO: Agreed! About three-fourths of American landfills pollute the surrounding water. She adds microplastics as well; they’ll infiltrate the groundwater and bring extra points.
TARDY G: Into the ocean she goes. Microplastics make their way into the food chain. Larger debris catches sharks and sea turtles, quickly decimating their populations. The damage is done, and she’s not even done with her attacks.
CHAO: It’s already over! She just needs to wait until the plastic climbs the food chain and hits the humans. Cancers, DNA damage, weakened immune systems—endless possibilities. Wait, look. (Pointing) What’s she doing?
TARDY G: (Laughing) Having fun! She’s made herself a home on one of those islands. Created her own island as well! Living on the mixture of human awareness and ignorance. She knows she’s won, and she’s enjoying every moment.
CHAO: Final time comes in at… 2030! Beautiful display; she destroyed the climate and humiliated the humans at the same time. Phoebe Plastic, winner of Everybody Wants to Rule the World: Ocean Edition! To all our competitors and viewers: we hope to see you when we launch our next season in a few years…
TARDY G: (Laughing) If we still have a world to ruin, Chao. Good night, everybody!
♫ All for freedom and for pleasure ♫
♫ Nothing ever lasts forever ♫
♫ Everybody wants to ruin the world… ♫
Reflection
Reflection
Not everyone learns in the same way. As a child, I remember picking up bits and pieces of trivia and current affairs from watching Jeopardy, Family Feud, and other game shows. This idea stuck with me—despite learning about unpleasant people and events, I was able to comprehend and relate the information due to the medium by which it was presented. There was nothing funny about the wars and tragedies back then, and there is nothing funny about the pace of climate change right now. Our oceans, which formed long before we arrived, have been bearing the brunt of our climate-changing actions for decades. Under the guise of a lighthearted game show, I highlighted both the unyielding statistics we are faced with and the indifferent attitudes we take towards a radical shift in our culture and livelihood. In the spirit of two announcers commentating on a season finale, the script is both morbid yet casual. The announcers’ names allude to the cockroach and the tardigrade, two of the most resilient creatures on Earth, and the intro and outro are a parody of the 1985 pop song “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” The prominent theme is indifference, which is the last thing our society needs—indifference leads to inaction, inaction is equal to ignorance, and ignorance ensures that the health of our communities, environments, and planet will continue to degrade into further despair. We must put our differences (and jokes) aside and focus on the problem that threatens the safety of our future; each of us has our individual part to play in this recovery, and a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.