How to Not Help the Environment!
2018, Middle School, Prose
Have you ever wondered why the ocean is so fragile? Why the ocean proves so brittle against humanity’s unending abuse against it and its inhabitants? Although we humans as a species are moving forward, inventing and innovating relentlessly, our inventions and creations are rarely ever environmentally friendly, especially not when it comes to the preservation of the oceans and the species that live therein. This definitely helps my mission to destroy our oceans irreversibly! Hey there, my name is Filip Boive, and this is my guide on how you can help contribute to the destruction of our oceans.
Do you have a cell phone, maybe? If so, how often do you upgrade it? Every year? Every other? Cell phones contain rare materials and metals that contribute to environmental destruction all over the world. Take tin as an example. Regular enough metal. Often appears silvery white or gray. Has an atomic number of 50. Used as part of the adhesive that holds the phone together, it is single-handedly responsible for the mass deforestation and other miscellaneous environmental issues on Bangka Island, Indonesia. Quite impressive indeed. Other metals such as tantalum, tungsten, and gold are responsible for extreme social conflict in Congo, threatening chimpanzees. An unforeseen consequence for sure. I digress – my point is in order to help my cause to destroy our oceans, it is best to buy a new phone every year and throw away the old one straight into the trash can, fully charged for good measure, so that it may end up in a landfill where it will get picked up by the heavy winds and hurricanes caused by global warming and end up in the ocean. Although I realize that some of you don’t have the money to be able to do that, don’t sweat it because there’s still plenty you can do to contribute to the destruction of our oceans!
The misleading connotation of electric cars will work in our favor. Despite popular belief that electric cars are “green,” and although it is true they don’t release carbon emissions while driving, few people realize how harmful the production of them truly are. The production of the typical Tesla batteries alone release up to 20 tons of carbon dioxide! To put that into perspective, that weighs 65,000,000,000 times as much as a poppy seed; 350,000,000,000 times as much as a grain of salt; and it is also 3.1 times heavier than a Tyrannosaurus rex. Anyway, try to convince as many of your friends as possible to ditch their brand-new car and buy a Tesla. Your friend might be thinking of reselling the car, but that wouldn’t maximize harm to the environment, so you must convince them that burning the cars would make for an unforgettable moment. There is nothing quite like bonding over the stench of thick, pungent smoke, knowing that you are destroying the planet you live on. Downright glorious.
While on the topic of things that during production release a lot of carbon dioxide, there’s also food. The absolute best thing you can do in order to destroy the environment is to eat meat. Any kind will do: lamb, pork, beef, eggs, chicken, salmon, etc. However, hamburgers are especially ruthless against the oceans. Each quarter-pounder takes an incredible 660 gallons to produce! Make hamburgers your primary source of nutrition, and consider putting two or more patties between the bread to maximise the damage. This is really convenient, too, because the more meat you eat, the fatter you will grow, which will let you eat more meat! A vicious cycle, yet one that will also work in our favor. Anyway, once you’ve sated your hunger for the annihilation of the oceans with a delicious burger, you should learn to live without tomatoes, potatoes, broccoli, lentils, and green peas. Lentils, for instance, only release 0.9 kilograms of carbon dioxide, so don’t even bother with those.
(flash forward to the future)
Great work everyone! We have successfully melted the ice caps completely!
So what now? Well, now is the time to look back and wonder what the point of actively
wasting money and resources was supposed to do for you. That’s right, this was all an elaborate ruse. Consider yourselves pranked. Anyway, now that we’re here, lets look at the damage we’ve done, and you can tell me if that burger tastes of guilt.
Let’s take a look at the most obvious consequence: the parts of Earth that have become submerged entirely. Here is a list of all the previously bustling cities (and some countries) that have become submerged entirely.
Lets start with Europe:
- Denmark (As a Swede, I think it’s safe to say nothing of importance was lost)
That’s quite the list, isn’t it? Don’t worry, that’s just Europe; we still have Asia and America left!
- Hong Kong
- Ho Chi Minh City
And the U.S:
- San Francisco
- San Diego
- New Orleans
- Florida (Yes, the state. You can kiss your grapefruits goodbye, as 80% of America’s citruses are grown there.)
- Washington D.C.
- New York City
I’ll stop there. You get the idea. That’s a grand total of 377,655,467 people affected. 58 million in Europe, 283 million in Asia, and 35 million in the U.S. Let that sink in. 377 million people. That is the minimum. Countless others will be affected by natural disasters and wars over resources. If you think you are safe in your landlocked country, think again.
(flash back to the present)
In conclusion, we are well on our way to victory. With millions happily cooperating with my plan, even with the small stuff like leaving the lights on, the ice caps melting are so close you can taste it (though I wouldn’t, ocean water tastes awful and acidic).
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my guide.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/gallery/2014/may/29/tin-mining-on-bangka-island-of-indonesia-in-pictures also http://www.eco-business.com/news/struggle-against-mining-on-bangka-island-continues-despite-wins-in-court/
Inspired by CGP Grey’s video, “7 Ways to Maximize Misery,” which was in turn inspired by the book “How to be Miserable” by Randy J. Paterson, I decided to adapt the idea to the topic at hand. Instead of looking at the prevention of global warming or the pollution of the oceans, I wanted to provide a refreshing point of view by writing from the perspective of a madman who is hellbent on the absolute annihilation of the oceans at any cost. What I wrote was a guide on how you can maximize the damage to the oceans, and also showed the consequences of following the guide. I hope it helps readers notice what they’ve been doing wrong.