The Climate Change Test: Winner is Awarded $10,000
Ghaziabad, India
2022, Senior, Creative Writing
Thank you for your interest in taking this test, although we know the cash award is what prompted you to appear for it. Without further ado, let us begin.
We are mindful of the fact that most people taking this test are reluctant to comply with rules and regulations, such as the “DO NOT LITTER” sign, which has led to almost eight million tons of garbage escaping into oceans and infiltrating them. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that for this test, you cannot overlook the instructions as they contain important guidelines and warnings. Thank you for your patience; we do understand this need for compliance will be asking a lot from you.
Important instructions are as below:
- If you are a scientist or a climate change believer, PLEASE KEEP AWAY FROM THE TEST RIGHT NOW. Since you belong to the “practical-thinking population” and possess the power to think right, the questions asked are likely to drive you crazy.
- Climate change deniers can, however, take this test at their own risk. The test questions contain a lot of scientific evidence, so if you do not believe in science, we implore you to not appear for this test, as it might lead you to question your beliefs or, even worse, cause you to take climate change seriously.
- When you attempt the questions, remember that we will not assess you on the basis of your knowledge or intelligence, but rather on your ability to explain your stance. Due to the existence of some people who like to believe in rodents to predict the weather while denying climate change evidence from scientists who spend years learning and researching about the earth, we cannot help but disregard common sense from our criteria.
- We request that you not attempt the test while sitting outside on a garden bench during the day. Due to rising temperatures, there are chances of your test paper burning, or your electronic device catching fire, in case you have opted for the digital test.
- You will have a total of 60 minutes to complete the test. However, if you are unable to complete the test within the stipulated time, we will grant you a few extra minutes. We are not global warming, which, unlike this test, will grant you no further time to take action, as suggested by the Code Red for Humanity.
- Questions 1-4 are worth 50 points. The bonus question will fetch you 100 extra points.
- The use of a calculator is strictly prohibited.
You may begin the test now. Please remember to provide valid and elaborated answers.
- Emperor penguins in Antarctica are facing a major threat from climate change and will become quasi-extinct if the current rate of sea ice loss continues. Instances of breeding failures due to ice sheet meltings have already occurred on a large scale in the icy cold continent. Without a breeding platform, penguins will have nowhere to go… unless they can. Penguins cannot fly; however, humans could teach them to. Although flying is said to be an impossible task for penguins, the human species, by driving over one million animals to extinction and wiping out nearly 60 percent of animal populations, has proved that nothing is impossible if one were to only demonstrate commitment to the task. Hence, explain in about 250 words how penguins could be taught to fly so they could simply traverse continents by air if ice sheets were to melt again. Briefly write how that could effectually tackle the problem of penguin extinction.
- “Look for the bright side of things even in the darkest of times.” A part of the world’s population has taken this quote so solemnly that they believe climate change and global warming to be beneficial. They believe that the resulting rise in warmth will make survival in cold countries possible and decrease cold-related deaths, even if research suggests that heat-related deaths are four times higher in the USA. On one hand, climate change activists are worried about the future of the earth, and on the other, positive individuals who believe that by turning a blind eye towards the atrocities caused by climate change, they will not be harmed. Ignoring deadly incidents like the 2010 Moscow heatwave that happened due to climate change, which doubled the death rate and undermined the health of the Russians; the death of almost 220 people due to severe flooding in Germany and Belgium; the North American heatwave that led to 500 deaths and 150 wildfires, which would have been impossible without global warming; and the fact that climate change has been linked to five million deaths a year, surely requires a great deal of positivity and innocence that cannot be fathomed. In your opinion, do you think scientists should investigate the brain functioning of these individuals to understand how such thinking could have originated? Explain how such an investigation could be beneficial for humanity to prevent climate change, by turning a blind eye towards it.
- It has also come to our attention that climate change deniers reject scientific studies, calling global warming a “hoax” and a “myth,” and resort to accusing scientists of producing false data. Suppose this is true, then surely, creating such a global conspiracy about climate change would have taken years for the scientists to pull off. There are nearly thousands of climatologists in more than 100 countries, each attending different educational institutions. Devise a conjecture about how such an enormous number of scientists would have collaborated with each other, had a civil conversation on how they would concoct similar false data, and spread the hoax. Bonus points to be awarded if you can shed light on the possibility of a secret hoax-producing agency created by climate scientists aimed at terrifying people to stop polluting the oceans with their plastic.
- If the global temperatures were to rise above 1.5 degrees in the coming years and the earth becomes uninhabitable, do you have, in your mind, any planet that you could run away to? If so, please provide its average distance and commuting time from the earth. If not, then tell us, what would your last words be? On a scale from 1-10, rate the regret you would feel for trashing your oceans with plastic and the guilt that would fill your heart for littering the land.
Bonus question: Estimate the number of calories people waste by debating “Does climate change exist or not?” rather than “What must we do to prevent climate change?” Enumerate reasons as to why the latter question up would be a far better choice for our oceans and lands.
This is the end of the test. You may now leave to continue increasing your carbon footprint.
Reflection
Reflection
Although writing this piece gave me immense joy, it also saddened me to know that there are still people who do not believe in climate change. I always believed in climate change and thought everyone else did, too. It was not until I began researching that I came to know that many people believed otherwise. The reasons climate change deniers use to justify their stance perplex me, and I would give anything to change their mindset. The absurd questions in my piece are meant to be funny, but convey a deeper meaning: that climate change is happening, and that we must take efforts to prevent it from causing any more havoc before it is too late.