Welcome to Lissof Sluef!
Suwanee, GA
2022, Junior, Creative Writing
Welcome to Lissof Sluef Co.! As the largest international corporation in the petroleum industry, we make sure that we are always on top, no matter what! Since it is your first day here, I, on behalf of the executives, will guide you through some of the aspects and goals of our company in order to ensure that you make us the most money possible.
Of course, the first thing that comes to mind when you mention Lissof Sluef to anyone is the name itself. When the company was first founded, we spent more of our time thinking of that name other than minor and less important issues, such as the potential impact this enterprise might have on the environment. In the end, our founders agreed on the clever idea of using “fossil fuels” backwards as the company name, if you hadn’t noticed yet (it definitely helped that the consonants blended together). Such creativity and originality, don’t you think?
Why “fossil fuels,” you ask? Well, it’s because we produce coal, oil, and gas, all of which are types of nonrenewable resources. We then transform those three fuels into usable products such as gasoline. Fossil fuels are also used to create energy for households, or on a larger scale, for factories, electricity, etc.
While carrying out this process, our refineries emit copious amounts of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, consequently trapping Earth’s heat in a process called global warming—but that’s just an extremely minor side effect of the whole operation.
Through our eyes, climate change is simply a small sacrifice for the profits that we earn. The entire United States relies on our company for the use of three fuels, and since 81% of the country’s energy comes from fossil fuels (National Academies of Sciences), that’s A LOT of money. Naturally, that makes Lissof Sluef the single largest polluter in the world, but that’s not a big deal.
However, there is a small part of our conscience that feels a little bad for ruining the entire future of our ecosystem, so we donate approximately 0.05% of the company’s funds toward climate activists around the world, and through a little tactic we call “misinformation,” make it seem like we are doing them a huge favor! It also doesn’t hurt that we don’t have to pay ginormous amounts of taxes because of this donation. Boosting our reputation while not paying too much money is definitely a huge plus.
Lissof Sluef never genuinely promotes reducing the release of greenhouse gases, though, since that would lead people at home to turn to other much cleaner and sometimes cheaper renewable resources. This proposed switch would go against the company’s motto, “Global warming might be unfunny, but it sure makes money.”
As you know, you have been assigned as the general manager of one of our oil refineries. That means ensuring that the process of converting crude oil into energy and useful products goes smoothly. The rest of the company will handle everything else. While we advertise about how we’re working to produce cleaner natural gas, which emits 50% less carbon dioxide than coal (National Geographic Society), only a small fraction of our money actually goes into that branch of the company. Everything else supports the real moneymaker—fossil fuels.
Oh, and try to avoid those oil spills. While it has a devastating effect on our environment and oceans, it’s also a terrible waste of oil. We recently had an accidental spill in an ocean due to a previous manager’s incompetence, resulting in the harm of sea creatures, which angered many officials because the seafood was now inedible in that area. Toxic river runoff also played a role in their complaint—that was an unfortunate accident. Oh, and when I say that, I’m referring to the waste of money, of course.
The last thing I have to say during this little orientation is not to worry about anything! Even if it means sacrificing Mother Earth of the next generation, it’s alright. Our advertisement department has you covered! Besides, even though many role models have stepped up to warn the world of the dire future ahead of us, people still choose to be ignorant, making it much more convenient for Lissof Sluef. As long as the population stays unworried about this situation, we can keep operating and making money. All it takes to put us out of business is for people to realize the risks we are taking today, but that prospect is as unreachable as the moon itself! (Oh, wait, we’ve already been there. Oops.)
Some of our past employees have shamed the company name and have complained about our stance on climate change for no good reason (except for the ones mentioned before, of course—how rude). I sincerely hope you aren’t like those guys—it was painful having to deal with them. Oh, and I really hope that phone you were holding this entire time wasn’t recording all that I said—that would be even more painful. Yes, we would need to have a nice, long chat if that was the case.
Anyway, this concludes your orientation for Lissof Sluef. I’m sure you’re going to do great things—pollute the world and adhere to our moneymaking mission. Let me know if you have any questions, and I wish you good luck working here at Lissof Sluef!
***
Later that month, Lissof Sluef was found guilty of false advertising in court. The evidence that settled the verdict was a certain recording on an employee’s phone.
Works Cited
- “Fossil Fuels and Climate Change: The Facts.” ClientEarth, 8 Oct. 2020, www.clientearth.org/latest/latest-updates/stories/fossil-fuels-and-climate-change-the-facts/.
- “Fossil Fuels: The Dirty Facts.” NRDC, www.nrdc.org/stories/fossil-fuels-dirty-facts.
- National Geographic Society. “Fossil Fuels.” education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/fossil-fuels.
Reflection
Reflection
During the span of this Contest, I learned how satire can be applied as a tool to convey a serious message, such as climate change. It was interesting to see how such an underrated writing technique made it easier to reach people in a more meaningful way. I believe that many people are unaware of the climate crisis and its urgency, but would be willing to assist if the message simply got through to them, so my work helps people understand that they have a role to play if we are to preserve this world for future generations. I think essentially saying the exact opposite of what I meant to write, and highlighting issues by presenting an extremely weak argument for the opposing side, acts as a wakeup call for those who read this.